@kindestgarten

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

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@LuvPug

If there’s ever an apocalypse, you’ll recognize me because I’ll be the zombie wearing flip flops

@QwertyJones3

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

@bydanielvictor

I feel so bad for people who don’t like sports. They never experience the thrill of maybe being happy once every 10-20 years

@Sickayduh

Single guy
“I can’t do anything right.”

Married guy
“I can’t do anything, right?”

@PleaseBeGneiss

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

@NotThatKunal

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

@felicityward

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

@clyderun

The ex hasn’t moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.