My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
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If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Anime is real
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Very good news from my accountant
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.