My doctor asked me if I felt safe at home and I said yes and then he asked if the kids were safe at home and I said yes as long as they never touch my cheese.

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Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy


Can I call you?
Crush: Yes
Errm, I called but you didn’t pick
Crush: I said you could call, I never said I’d pick up


Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign.
Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat-

“What about Leo?”

Steward: No. Leo dies.


The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.


yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right


I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog


If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.


[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”


[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
and I invented oatmeal