@sweetmomissa

My doctor asked me if I felt safe at home and I said yes and then he asked if the kids were safe at home and I said yes as long as they never touch my cheese.

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@Brampersandon_

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

@TheToddWilliams

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

@Cycloptomese

Traffic is fucked this morning. There’s a stalled cat on the southbound side of the hallway and a nine lego pile up just outside the bathroom door.

@DannyMcH2O

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

@VicFuture

Why its called ‘having your period’ and not ‘rolling out the red carpet ‘ I’ll never know.

@TheTweetOfGod

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

@BeTheCookie

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

@fro_vo

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

@wolfmannjr

If life was a fairytale I’d be the big bad wolf looking for his Red Riding Hood but stuck eating your granny instead