@sweetmomissa

My doctor asked me if I felt safe at home and I said yes and then he asked if the kids were safe at home and I said yes as long as they never touch my cheese.

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@blade_funner

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

@IndecisiveJones

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

@Justsydnyc

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

@iheartgunts

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

@_davidlucas_

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

@iinkedZombie

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.

@daddydoubts

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

@mistakentweets

Texting…because men didn’t have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.

@bettieriot

I don’t regret my exes. They all served a purpose. On an unrelated note, my rose bushes are really thriving.

@JasonLastname

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet