Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
You Might Also Like
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
My five year plan is a meteorite
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Safety first
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.