Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
My doctor asked me if I felt safe at home and I said yes and then he asked if the kids were safe at home and I said yes as long as they never touch my cheese.
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bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Texting…because men didn’t have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.
I don’t regret my exes. They all served a purpose. On an unrelated note, my rose bushes are really thriving.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet