My doctor asked me if I felt safe at home and I said yes and then he asked if the kids were safe at home and I said yes as long as they never touch my cheese.

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ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse


BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know


Traffic is fucked this morning. There’s a stalled cat on the southbound side of the hallway and a nine lego pile up just outside the bathroom door.


Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.


Why its called ‘having your period’ and not ‘rolling out the red carpet ‘ I’ll never know.


Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.


I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.


ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury


If life was a fairytale I’d be the big bad wolf looking for his Red Riding Hood but stuck eating your granny instead