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me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Catercrombie & Fish
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes