My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
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DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!