My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

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[sprains my ankle]
Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it?
Me: Let me check
Me: [to ankle] c’mon dude try it, it’s only one cigarette


My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.


I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.


awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi


Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.


[first date]

HER: Do you have any hobbies?

ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?

HER: No, hobbies

ME: Oh, then no


Goth girls be like “I know a plot” then take you for a picnic in the graveyard at night


As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don’t all have the same accent, I’m probably going to get fired from storytime.


[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again