My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
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Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”