@FunnyBison

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

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@thatdutchperson

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

@T_Bonezzz_

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

@D2BMcG

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

@Dawn_M_

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

@eliyudin

I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad

@Holy_Mowgli

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

@OohSnapItsChris

I like to whisper my questions to the Librarian so they can ask me to speak louder

@brittwastaken

*walks seductively up to table*
*licks lips*

Me: Come on baby. Just one more time.
Him: Lady, I’m not giving you any more cheese samples.

@Fickle_Filly

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.