My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

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[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.


Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that


Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit


My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”


Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?


I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad


Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated


I like to whisper my questions to the Librarian so they can ask me to speak louder


*walks seductively up to table*
*licks lips*

Me: Come on baby. Just one more time.
Him: Lady, I’m not giving you any more cheese samples.


Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.