My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
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I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield