Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
You Might Also Like
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.