Husband: I brought you flowers
Me: what did you do?
Husband: and a necklace
Me: oh god, it must be bad!
Husband: and some chocolates
Me: yeah, really dont care anymore – gimme.
My doctor had a plate of McDonalds food that was a year old to show people that it never rots.
The burger was dry but the fries were decent.
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Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
– Chopped: Moms Edition
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.