My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

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I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.


Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.


The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.


hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe


Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

~Menstruational Tweet


[first date]
HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra


Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.


Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?