My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*