@JermHimselfish

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

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@BoomBoomBetty

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

@HousewifeOfHell

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

@saladinahmed

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

@Nahdude83

Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

~Menstruational Tweet

@EyeSeeYou619

[first date]
HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra

@ScottLinnen

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

@myconfusedface

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?