My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*