My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
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If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Job interview: ” if you want the job lick the floor”
-lick the floor if you want the job
Eww gross, can’t hire that guy
“What aisle has the milk?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
BODY: i’m exhausted
BODY: let’s sleep
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BRAIN: can almost say his own name
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”