@dumbbeezie

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

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@p01arst0rm

AAA publishers: “CUSTOMERS WANT HUGE $60 EXPERIENCE WITH EPIC OPEN WORLDS AND CUTTING EDGE GRAPHICS”

gamers: “haha honk honk im an angry goose”

@peterjames48

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

@WheelTod

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

@ChicksRule

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

@jdforshort

Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin, my thoughts wonder to

1. Who turned the ceiling fan on
2. Why don’t I have telekinetic powers

@GayAtHomeDad

If you use the word “ridonkulous” or “ginormous,” chances are you’re a retardiot.

@yungshoelace

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

@daemonic3

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

@KissabiX

“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.