My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

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My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you


If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.


Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.


Job interview: ” if you want the job lick the floor”
-lick the floor if you want the job
*licks floor*
Eww gross, can’t hire that guy


“What aisle has the milk?”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”


Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.


BODY: i’m exhausted
BRAIN: neat
BODY: let’s sleep
BRAIN: nah
BODY: c’mon
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BRAIN: can almost say his own name


When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi


It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”