@dumbbeezie

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

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@sageboggs

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

@badAzz_mom

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

@BuckyIsotope

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

@dxblarssonENG

Job interview: ” if you want the job lick the floor”
-what?
-lick the floor if you want the job
*licks floor*
Eww gross, can’t hire that guy

@Fazio_N

“What aisle has the milk?”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”

@xLiserx

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

@matt___nelson

BODY: i’m exhausted
BRAIN: neat
BODY: let’s sleep
BRAIN: nah
BODY: c’mon
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BODY:
BRAIN: can almost say his own name

@ObscureGent

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

@Parkerlawyer

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”