My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

You Might Also Like


“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”


If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.


Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.


That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.


“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair


My parents made me join the boy scouts and one time we got merit badges for putting our fingerprints on file for the cops and I put rubber cement on my fingertips first in case you were wondering how early I started playing the long game


You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.

Are you raising an army for Mordor?


All I wanna do is
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus


Put your seatbelt on, kids. Mommy wants to record a video for Facebook.