My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
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date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Don’t forget to tip your server
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.