“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
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If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
My parents made me join the boy scouts and one time we got merit badges for putting our fingerprints on file for the cops and I put rubber cement on my fingertips first in case you were wondering how early I started playing the long game
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.
Are you raising an army for Mordor?
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Put your seatbelt on, kids. Mommy wants to record a video for Facebook.