@CCRuns

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

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@SardonicTart

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

@sumpeoplelikeit

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

@WetMascara

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

@trevso_electric

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

@FeelingEuphoric

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

@portmanteauface

My parents made me join the boy scouts and one time we got merit badges for putting our fingerprints on file for the cops and I put rubber cement on my fingertips first in case you were wondering how early I started playing the long game

@mickeza1

You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.

Are you raising an army for Mordor?

@DrakeGatsby

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

@SuperApple80

Put your seatbelt on, kids. Mommy wants to record a video for Facebook.