Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
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me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
*pronounces fake like saké*
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
They’re called werewolves.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Denise please return my vape pen
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.