my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
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My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
[god creating snakes]
how about a sock that’s angry all the time
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
This never gets old
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Her: that’s disgusting
Me: sorry, I like to poo with the door open sometimes
Her: you shouldn’t be pooping in the car at all