@ch000ch

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

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@internetluke

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

@pittdave13

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

@ShutUpThatsWho

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

@StellaGMaddox

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

@themiltron

[god creating snakes]

how about a sock that’s angry all the time

@Book_Krazy

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

@JillianKarger

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

@Turbo_Jimmy

Her: that’s disgusting

Me: sorry, I like to poo with the door open sometimes

Her: you shouldn’t be pooping in the car at all