My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
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Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
i choose….tongue
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
this came to me in a vision
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest