My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
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My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”