My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

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My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.


My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person


I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.


Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.


Teeth are so weird. Imagine if all of our bones were exposed and we had to brush them.


My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.


[lying naked in bed]

Her: Tell me your fantasy.

Me: Well, I get in my car to drive to work, and for the entire trip, there is no traffic.