@LostFelicia

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

You Might Also Like

@Contwixt

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

@pharmasean

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

@Ron_White

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

@clindsaysway

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

@tigersgoroooar

Teeth are so weird. Imagine if all of our bones were exposed and we had to brush them.

@Lovestained555

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

@underchilde

[lying naked in bed]

Her: Tell me your fantasy.

Me: Well, I get in my car to drive to work, and for the entire trip, there is no traffic.