@BrianIncognito

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

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@DaddyJew

*something breaks

Me: hand me my tools

7: call someone for help

Me: no

7 already on the phone: mom, he’s trying to fix stuff again

@hippieswordfish

kid doctor: [looking over charts] im not going to lie this is the worst case of cooties ive ever seen
little girl: he said he’d been tested!

@iGreenBabe

Twitter makes me want to have drinks with people I’ve never met, and Facebook makes me want to throw drinks at people I already know.

@CelebrityChez

Day one of my soup cleanse: Feeling great!
Day two: I have robbed a Burger King and killed a zebra.

@Marlebean

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

@KingRainhead

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

@thetobbie

One of the worst things about being deaf has to be the inability to tell whether people are yawning or screaming…

@markleggett

I only watch “Game of Thrones” because I’m trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.

@NicestHippo

The inventor of the toilet must’ve had a rough time at his presentation. “Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea”

@PickleRudd

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire