My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
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“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.