Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
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Watching “Wizard of Oz”. I’d forgotten how the neighbor wants to kill Toto and Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were fine with it. Family fun!
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”
Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Goes to Nirvana themed “Come as you are” party. Gets arrested for indecent exposure.
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it
Population Control: Make birth control a psychedelic.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.