My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
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I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.