@Dani_Feld

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

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@AngelaEhh

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

@juliussharpe

Watching “Wizard of Oz”. I’d forgotten how the neighbor wants to kill Toto and Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were fine with it. Family fun!

@_sinistroll

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

@IamEveryDayPpl

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

@Sal_Stevens

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

@Kryzazy

Goes to Nirvana themed “Come as you are” party. Gets arrested for indecent exposure.

@a_olivia4212

A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it

@lifecoachfit

Population Control: Make birth control a psychedelic.

You’re welcome.