My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
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If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.