honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
My doctor said I shouldn’t hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.
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[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
My sensitive toothpaste can’t stop crying.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
~ gas pumps