@Aspersioncast

My doctor said I shouldn’t hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.

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@Gooooats

I live in my parent’s basement so I had to dig a deeper basement for my kids to live in. In 20 generations we will reach the Earth’s core.

@msgwenl

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

@mommajessiec

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

@MomOnFire

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

@weinerdog4life

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

@ArfMeasures

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

@TheToddWilliams

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

@jobless4eyes

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

@ingmarbirdman

i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards

@KentWGraham

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.