I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
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Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Just ordered me some pizza!
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute