If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
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Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair