My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
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If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.