All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
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Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they’d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Fun trick to play on your partner: “Don’t you remember what day this is?”
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.
I’m in favour of having these replace their current scientific names