@Dawn_M_: My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
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@DaddyJew: Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? [flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home] Me: creative differences
@XplodingUnicorn: My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls. She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg. Surgery didn't go well.