My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
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My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.