My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
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One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Can’t, holding a grudge
When the stylist spins you back around
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I’m aging like a fine banana
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
They did not miss in the small print
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.