my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
You Might Also Like
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.