@MAngelo505

My doctor says I should lose 10 lbs and work out more. But why? Spanx launched a men’s line.

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@fro_vo

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

@MartaEffing

I know you’ve been here. I can smell you, still taste you on my lips. I crave more, but it’s over now. Also, you’re a donut. And I ate you.

@DaddyJew

I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I’m just waiting for him to realize what that means

@fro_vo

Mulder: someone in this room is an alien
Scully: look for anything out of the ordinary
Me: *drinking hot orange juice* like what

@carbsley

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

@JustDontBugMe

Dr. Strange showed us that texting while driving is necessary for the survival of humanity.

@drxubair

I dream to live in a world where I can politely get out of plans by saying, “I’m so sorry, but I just remembered I don’t want to”

@pauleggleston

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

@TheAlexNevil

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college