WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
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We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.