My doctor says I should lose 10 lbs and work out more. But why? Spanx launched a men’s line.

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“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume


I know you’ve been here. I can smell you, still taste you on my lips. I crave more, but it’s over now. Also, you’re a donut. And I ate you.


I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I’m just waiting for him to realize what that means


Mulder: someone in this room is an alien
Scully: look for anything out of the ordinary
Me: *drinking hot orange juice* like what


before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’


Dr. Strange showed us that texting while driving is necessary for the survival of humanity.


I dream to live in a world where I can politely get out of plans by saying, “I’m so sorry, but I just remembered I don’t want to”


– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.


9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college