@TankCesar

My doctor tells me I’m healthy enough for sexual activity…I’m just not attractive enough.

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@UncleDuke1969

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

@Marlebean

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

@Adyaces

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

@huntigula

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

@dubstep4dads

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

@ronradu

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

@markhoppus

i appreciate the song “the boys are back in town” because it answers the age-old question: are the boys back in town y/n?

@Tmoney68

According to my neighbor’s journal, I have “boundary isues.”

@StarksWeek

“Bluetooth or crazy”

– is a guessing game I play when I see someone talking to themselves on the street. I usually guess wrong.

@JamesHavoc

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.