My doctor tells me I’m healthy enough for sexual activity…I’m just not attractive enough.

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I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are


I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”


*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here


The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.


*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef


most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you


Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son


Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.