My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
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Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
mariah carrie
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
my proudest tweet
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™