@mela_shea: My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
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@MsSkaarsgard: Wives all up in arms about their husband's leaving or cheating and I'm all, hush now sweetie, SEE THE GIFT YOU'RE BEING GIVEN.
@causticbob: I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
@SleazySli: [at a spelling bee] Judge: Your word is SPELL. Witch: *mumbles something under her breath* Judge: Ribbit