My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

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My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”


Politics isn’t confusing. You have a choice of being screwed by one of two gorillas and one is considerate enough to use lube. Now choose.


The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.


if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”


*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!


TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5


Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease


Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth


Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.