@mela_shea

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

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@amydillon

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

@Oshungurl

Politics isn’t confusing. You have a choice of being screwed by one of two gorillas and one is considerate enough to use lube. Now choose.

@bonehugsnirony

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

@iwearaonesie

if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”

@smithsara79

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

@BuckyIsotope

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

@BigJDubz

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

@thatdutchperson

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

@Darlainky

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.