7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
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Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.