My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
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She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old