@JermHimselfish

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

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@Sleinso

Wife: I told you not to go near that raccoon.

Me: *bleeding excessively* Tim and I just signed a blood pact of friendship.

@Cpin42

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

@Yankeegiant72

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

@sarcasm_inc

Bouncer: Woah. Dress code
Me: This is a suit
B: Yeah, a chicken suit.
*puts nugget in bouncer’s pocket
*pats it
M: We good?
B: Have fun, sir

@BookishBunny

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

@McNevich

I send thank you cards to people that don’t invite me to their weddings

@yoyoha

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

@_SingleBabyMama

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

@mindintheshadow

I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they’re going to expire in 2017.