My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
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I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Who did it better?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?