My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

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Wife: I told you not to go near that raccoon.

Me: *bleeding excessively* Tim and I just signed a blood pact of friendship.


Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.


After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall


Bouncer: Woah. Dress code
Me: This is a suit
B: Yeah, a chicken suit.
*puts nugget in bouncer’s pocket
*pats it
M: We good?
B: Have fun, sir


Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.


I send thank you cards to people that don’t invite me to their weddings


Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.


After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”


I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they’re going to expire in 2017.