My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
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Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Always
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
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