My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
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“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!