My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
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Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying