My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I’ve been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.

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I can always tell when someone is lying by tying them down and strapping them to a lie detector.


Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.


I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.


“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”


“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.


Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?


When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?


If you ever Google “Grandfather Clock”, be careful how you spell that shit.


Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.


My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.