@armyantstudios

My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I’ve been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.

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@iGreenMonk

I can always tell when someone is lying by tying them down and strapping them to a lie detector.

@samdunsiger

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

@bridger_w

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

@Bob_Heller

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

@brunopieroni

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

@DrakeGatsby

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

@starsnbars7

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

@Bunnydurden

If you ever Google “Grandfather Clock”, be careful how you spell that shit.

@RickAaron

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

@usermcuserface

My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.