“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
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My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
What the dentist sees
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Holy moly
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
oh shit
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.