To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
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Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”