My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
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Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Running from your problems is cardio .
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what