My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

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[whole foods]
WHITE GIRL: excus me do u hav pumpkin
EMPLOYEE: (hands her a pumpkin) here
WHITE GIRL: no no no. PUMPKIN. its a type of spice


Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?


SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms


Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.


GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”


Good thing some people show their bare chest in their profile pic, otherwise we wouldn’t have known they had a torso.


My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.


Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]