My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
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I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
brian had himself a morning…
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee