My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
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“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
#StillHurts
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.