@perlhack

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

@sofarrsogud

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

@thearibradford

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

@NurseSeymour

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

@BruceForce

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

@amydillon

I’m having trouble being mad at my 8 y.o., whose teacher let me know that while he was supposed to be taking a standardized reading test he was on Google reviewing The Peanuts Movie.

@theevilwriter

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

@Marcmywords2

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

@zoebread

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water