my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

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Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?


Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.


My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.


Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.


* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications


I’m having trouble being mad at my 8 y.o., whose teacher let me know that while he was supposed to be taking a standardized reading test he was on Google reviewing The Peanuts Movie.


I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.


“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.


technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water