my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
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I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Awwwww shit.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
New tinder profile pic
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
i actually laughed 😩
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.