You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
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Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*