My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
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Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I wish all tests were things you peed on
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
this is literally a CIA plant
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.