My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
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There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
her: i like a guy that can last long 馃槈
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it鈥檚 easier.
*gets text from Mom* It鈥檚 your mother. Call me.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Marriage isn鈥檛 for everyone, especially for married people
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃榿馃榿馃ぃ馃ぃ
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it鈥檚 always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer鈥檚 a ruff negotiator
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Shouldn鈥檛 all ghosts be naked? It鈥檚 not like your clothes die too.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*