@envydatropic

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

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@SwartyComedy

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

@Tmoney68

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

@iamspacegirl

Ghost me would do the same stuff as alive me.
Howl. Wander. Stand in front of the fridge and stare at all the food I’m not allowed to eat.

@sixfootcandy

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

@InternetHippo

Me: An emotionally fulfilling job that also pays enough to live on
Genie: Listen buddy I’m not god

@Barknado69

Avril Lavigne: he was a boy, she was a girl. Could I make it any more obvious?

Me: *still pretty clearly confused* please do

@LaLa_Lyds

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

@Divergentmama

Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you please move it out of the laundry room? I’ve had enough.