[speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran]
“Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?”
“Didn’t think so”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Why is childbirth called “delivery” and not “take out?”
Finally achieved… world peas.