My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

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[speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran]
“Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?”
“Didn’t think so”


Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.


Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!


Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.


I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.


I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.


Why is childbirth called “delivery” and not “take out?”