My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
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boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I’m calling the cops.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.