Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
You Might Also Like
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’