My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
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My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Do not steal food from the science building!
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.