The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
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When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.