@Sickayduh

My dog ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles and now I gotta follow him around the yard because it’s his turn

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@roselia_val

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

@MikeCanRant

1) Find and catch a rabbit

2) Go to restaurant

3) Complain about a hare in your meal

4) Enjoy free meal plus adorable household pet

@3sunzzz

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

@junejuly12

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

@anjeanettec

Kanye West said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn’t compare himself to Jesus. Oh wait.

@mydmac

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

@NYC_Blonde

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

@nyquills

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

@_Water_Baby

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.